Should I be offended if he asked if he could use saran wrap to eat me out?
come over
yeah sure
wait who is this again? my contacts got deleted...but tell me and ill be there in 10
everyone who works at gamestop is basically destined to live with their parents for the rest of their lives... so i said no.
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
You were pretty dunk by the time you introduced the vase as your best friend.
I know it's pride week, but your asshole is just never supposed to taste like banana.
Tomorrow night wont work for me. I'm talking with Bryan about marriage and I dont want to have a shroom hangover.
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
We had sex on the bear rug. He said "you, me and the bear. This is bear-idise"
Call it slutty but I take pride in being a first round draft pick booty call. And I know I was first cause he texted me at 1030a
Please don't try and hook up with one of your high school teacher's friends
Randomize
