stranger just walked up to the fridge at the party, took the hawaiin punch out, drank it straight from the bottle, looked at everyone who stared in awe and said "im fucking thirsty" and put it back.
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
she showed up with nothing but olive garden breadsticks in her purse.
I'm not sure if it was sex or spear fishing. He goes in for it like he's crash landing a rocket
making an indian outfit so we can be pochohantas and john smith and fuck in the canoe on the night float
I'm thinking about slathering myself with peanut butter and going to the dog park. What's the worst that could happen?
Thank you. Next to bondage, soft American Apparel t-shirts are the best things you've taught me about.
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
Let's ride this possibly pregnant train together
so i just met a former male stripper who has a lion king tattoo. new BFF? i think yes
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
It was only a blow job in his car. It's the same as giving a friend a back rub.
I'm waiting for you in a manthong right now.
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
Fuck you bitch. You're married. You got a live-in dick at home for your needs. I still gotta surf this shitty town's bars for cock
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