I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
The football player sitting in front of me just googled himself. Only 4 articles came up. That's why he plays at Utah State.
I think I have vodka in my lungs
You don't want any of I have. Seriously. Its 80 proof rum that was 8 bucks for a liter. I'm afraid
I'm sure your liver is writing out a will as we speak
Be proud. You give fat lesbians everywhere shower-nozzle worthy material for weeks on end.
There are five fire trucks here and needless to say my booty call left so come back home whenever you like
I mean, as I was vomiting in front of a giant crucifix I became acutely aware of my poor choices
At a point I was just cumming dust last night
hell no. i was not wasting my two tears of virginity on him.
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
I'm still home, my life isn't together. Currently drying my pants
Floor bacon is actually really good
I'm still waiting for God to smite you for impersonating a decent human being.
I want a dick in my left hand and a Crunch Wrap Supreme in my right hand.
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
Randomize
