Apparently they shut down a cook out cause people were selling drugsout the drive thru. Nice to be home
its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.
Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
I still havent given him the valentines day card i got him. I feel like just writting...."sorry for the horrible blow job i gave u last night." and just giving it to him.
the ceiling is raining jello shotss
Ya well my good-girl image was pretty much blown when he found out I'm going to jail soon.
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
I'm smoking a bowl and pondering why we haven't discovered teleportation again.
donating our bodies to science does not justify what were doing to them.
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
Randomize
