Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
my elementary bus driver served me drinks last night. He hooked me up
I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
holy shit thats the most artistic dick pic ever
I just got stoned alone and repierced my nose. don't ever tell me I'm unaccomplished
I just got stoned by myself and am eating cookies so I'm right there with you
I found my limit. I will not, in fact, blow my 78 year old professor for an A in his class.
I caught a glimpse of his penis. I can only imagine what your mom's vagina goes through because of that penis
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
You don't know the capacity of my vagina
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
Jarrod's passed out on the chair with a cup of milk and I've been staring him down in an attempt to use telepathy to make him spill it. Attempts unsuccessful.
I'm classy like audry Hepburn. Chugging wine out of the bottle on the way to the club. Shed do that. I know she would.
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
Randomize
