It started with Hannah Montana and ended with alcoholism.
Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
WAIT U DIDN'T FEED THE SQUIRREL?
He gets a blow job; I get my oil changed free of charge. And that way I only see him every 2500 miles.
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
I just bared my soul to you and you fell asleep. Or you're fucking your boyfriend. Either way, not cool. fuck.
Don't mind the bowl full of ashes in the sink. I meant to set that on fire.
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
I don't think that calm, have their shit together people actually exist.
I wanted to get all my legit stuff out, but then I decided I didn't trust drunk me with my own things
Good decision.
Hungover playing piano at a baptism I am the PICTURE of class I feel like I should be struck by lightning
I thought you might think I was an idiot who thought cock rings prevent STDs,
If it snows I'm making an igloo and getting wasted in it
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
It is NEVER not funny to me when I am sitting at a table and I've touched the dicks of every single person I'm sitting with.
Randomize
