the power's out. i'm smoking weed by flashlight
i wish i was dedicated to anything like you are to weed
This is the LAST time i'm accepting the excuse "tequila made me do it". Even tequila thinks buying all of nickelback's itunes singles is fucking retarded
Tell her to not eat the pizza she threw up on.
and yes, the jail cell in Citi Field does have a big Mets symbol in it
she named each of the players on the last ten madden covers in order and then shotgunned 2 beers...if she doesnt have a penis im in love
She just kept screaming you name over and over. Im starting to think this is my alarm clock
i woke up completely naked except for a bottle of beer saran wrapped in between my boobs
Is it sad that i just saw my moms thumb on the table & i instinctively put mine down cuz i thought she was thumbmaster?
You're obviously not trying hard enough. GET LAID. Kittens die for less.
Touche salesman.
My vagina bone hurts from grinding on that dude so hard.
I like to get drunk just like anyone else but not to the point of sticking a rubber tube up my asshole
I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
All I can remember from last night was eating nutella and touching myself to Weird Science.
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
Randomize
