you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
He ended up walking out of his bedroom and told me to look at the nonexistent fire he was holding in his hand. Im upset I didn't take those shrooms.
So my birthday was awesome. Only remember 45 min of it but I woke up with a girl on the couch and a half bowl of ground beef
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
How do you feel about fucking me quick and then me leaving to go do arts and crafts?
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
I had to help you off the toilet floor because you couldn't get up, then you threw your drink on the floor and just said "oh dear" really calmly.
I wasn't concerned until I realized he was using the vase my birthday flowers came in as a " big glass" for his 151 and coke.
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
i'm just really offended he didn't want to have breakup sex. like that was the only thing i was really looking forward to
there is a guy with a glowstick staff outside my house
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
i am risking my non lesbian vagina for your needs. i better be the best friend you ever had
Randomize
