He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
I just got wrote up for "repeatedly smelling like alcohol"
That was long passed due.
is it bad that I only want to go to my boyfriends house bc I want to see his roomate walk around with his shirt off?
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
He took the Gold in Olympic clit licking last night. Canada should be proud.
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
Waking up in a NH rest stop and reading through my texts is definitely a familiar low
someone in the elevator just told me i looked like a struggle but i smell very pretty..
You told him about your cats? I told his friend to put his dick in my mouth, and you talked about cats!?
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
I just did a shot of Jameson and two shots of cuervo. Note: this is the moment things went down hill
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
Remember that time you puked in the middle of wendy's?
Yeah, why?
The staff still remembers me for cleaning it up. Thanks for the free frosty and fries
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
Having random cyber sex while watching to catch a predator just seems wrong.
Randomize
