my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
We've finally come to the understanding that as long as our conversation stays stricaly sexual, we get along.
5 am is for sleeping. Or getting railed on by a stranger. But never for fundraising. Get real.
they're using the ping pong table for ping pong. it's weird
I'm stranded in the Hampton area. Looks like I'm going to have to take one for the team and pass out by this applebees.
The guy who just got ate on True Blood had the same balls as you.
The worst thing about him living around the corner is that who ever suggests the booty call is the one that walks over.
You know when you meet a penis that looks like it was made out of all your hopes and dreams?
I made out with an Italian cab driver. Not cool. Help. Good news he will drive us anywhere we want to go as long as you cook food?!?!?! I want to melt into the pavement.
Dude hobos go hard. I learned a lot last night.
Is it a bad thing for a seven year old to call one an alcoholic? Asking for a friend..
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
When he said he lived in a closet I thought he meant his room was really small or something... But he actually has a queen size mattress on the floor of his roomates walk-in closet.
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
I just had a legitimate orgy. Wearing glowsticks.
Randomize
