Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
I didn't have a rubber, but my dick had a date with a clorox wipe after we finished. I think I'm in the clear.
I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
You don't have to be drunk! I've licked your asshole before
It's shit like that that makes me wish being deaf was contagious
You made everyone who was on the patio sit on the floor and join your "ship" because you were the Captain. It was cool though. You let me be your 1st Mate.
Wait does semen show up on blood tests?
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
I'm surprised I don't have a permanent face imprint between my boobs.
This dude has batman tighty whities on over his cargo pants and he has the nerve to yell "fuck you bitch" up at my window.
I cannot lay down. I will throw up my life and your life and the class hamster I had in third grade.
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
And two different second-graders said my make up was pretty. It's left over from last night bc I woke up 5 min before I was supposed to leave.
I'm going to blackout. I realize this
Randomize
