On blowjobs: "If you decide to go there, you finish the job. No complaining." I don't care if it sounds like she's talking about Iraq, I'm in love.
when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
...she's taking her top off and singing songs from Anastasia. I swear to God were solumates.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
it was like, one of those nights where you keep going back to the fridge because you just can't get full. except, with sex.
Bathrooms are cool, I think Im just gonna hang out here for a bit.
I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time
Had a drag queen carry me to the car. So I'm told...
I'm covered in mustard and it looks like I nose dived in to barbed wire ??? Was last night that good?
YOU ARE NOT A BOTTLE OF RUM THEREFORE I DONT KNOW HOW TO LOVE YOU
He leaned off the deck, puked a waterfall of beer, looked back at everyone and said "it was just a burp".
its before 9am and ive already had to dip my dick and balls in a glass of milk. probably isnt a good sign for how today is going to go.
You came out of your room naked under your open robe with a mouth full of brownie on a stick and grabbed a fistful of fruit loops and shoved them into your already full mouth.
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
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