Currently looking for a new liver on ebay. Struggle.
Or I could just give you a blow job and make it up to you.
No, that's okay. Don't worry about it.
Going once.....twice.........sold to the girl who didn't really wanna do it anyway.
if drunk means calling me and asking to borrow the game of life at 2am then I think you were drunk
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
Two run-ins with cops/park rangers tonight and now I'm just wandering around high and shirtless
Sacramento doesn't deserve you
On celebration of the Supreme Court ruling I feel it is our patriotic duty to have a threesome
For the sake of being nice I congratulated her and she replied with something along the lines of that I need to stay away from him and not touch him ever. I really wanted to be like "been there, done that" but my New Years resolution was to not start any cat fight over boys with small dicks before noon
I wish our county sheriff had a comment section for their mugshots.
he kept insisting he didn't have my number, so i called his phone and my number came up as "yeaaaaaaaaah!"
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
And it's settled. 10 months is the appropriate amount of time before having the dick pic discussion.
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
DO NOT FUCK YOUR ENGAGED GAY NEIGHBOR!
I'm hung over and my mom made me go to church. I feel like such a sinner.
I need an aspirin and some dignity.
Randomize
