I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
so he tried marking my clit with a sharpie so he could "find it again next time".
You kept referring to your penis as "this guy."
Fuck a-yeah! I just found a wine key. Let 'Don't Fuck With Me Friday' commence.
He said he only likes girls with a sense of humor, after he took his pants off I understood why
We would be rich. And the whole world would be stoned.
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
Will the fact that I have 4 boob hickies add to or take away from tonight's outfit?
Last night he ate BBQ Pringles out of my boobs...I feel like it was moderately productive
He's pretending to be my boyfriend so that my family won't bother us when we sneak off to smoke weed
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
You tried to chase every shot with a blueberry.
i'm not sure you can trust me in a car with 20 dozen donuts
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
Randomize