Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
haha I love it when I find out that girls who were mean to me in middle school are now some random dude's baby mama. thanks, facebook.
i think of them as a grilled chicken salad and a fried chicken biscuit. obviously Amy is better for me, but when i'm eating her all i can think about is how much better the blonde must taste.
Pulling over on the side of the road to set off fireworks was the worst idea you have ever had. I don't care if it was called a friendship pagoda.
I feel like a food baby is going to burst from my stomach and eat all the leftovers until another food baby rips out of its stomach. And so on. It's truly a merry Christmas.
They should have to wear some identification that warns you to stay away. Like one of those cones dogs wear to keep them from biting stitches. CONE OF SHAME.
I am the worst sexter. i actually told him .. if i had a penis, it would be hard right now. BTW thats a turn off.
dude to be honest with you there is a used condom that ive just left on my floor for three days
you have got to get your shit together
Happy meals everywhere. I think Ronald McDonald Claus visited.
Totally thought something squeezed my boob. Then I remembered I was wearing a bra. Isn't weed great?
Correction: *I* watched JoJo's Bizarre adventure while he snored asleep on me cock still fully inside me.
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
OMG LOOK AT THAT PIECE OF MAN
I haven’t trained for this.
Just because you got dumped by some loser doeant mean you need Jesus. It just means you need better friends and some booze
We had sex in Lake Michigan for an hour Sunday.
Thanks for ruining an entire lake for me. I hate you so much right now.
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