Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
He has to watch his girlfriends kitten. Even when she is in Vegas, her pussy keeps him from getting into mine.
Well Its not like I planned having my potato launcher explode and burn off my eyebrow and eye lashes.. I still have my right eyebrow can't u just be happy?
He was barking to the beat of "I like to fuck" and then chugged 3 beers and fell off the deck.. I should have gotten community service hours
No, he went to go get condoms. The least I could do was chug two beers before he got back
I'm gonna send you a dick pic now just so your uncomfortable at work
She's on her period. You don't know what fear is.
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
Why are you naked at 4pm?
Its my birthday, I dont have to wear clothes
Stopping for a booty call on the way to a lunch date... Bad form?
I want you inside me. Finish your papers.
Nothin much, just sipping warm franzia from a plastic valentines wine glass while wrapped in my Mexican blanket listening to sappy country songs and mourning my lack of a love life. Hbu?
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