Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
I walked downstairs and there were 50 sorority girls. I wasn't expecting an audience during my walk of shame.
this may be my drink champagne alone in a bbaby pool in the dark night
And at least you didn't have a dinner of Ranch Pringles and Double Stuff Oreos. I forgot that part of being single.
He leaned off the deck, puked a waterfall of beer, looked back at everyone and said "it was just a burp".
I just wanted to let u know that I called the taco people and informed them what the fuck is up.
If this first date goes well and I like him, I won't sleep with him. But if it doesn't go well, I'll sleep with him.
i told her i wanted to be the Neil Armstrong of her vagina,
I woke up and found piles of popcorn in a trail around my house, ending at a laundry basket full of pillows. What were we trying to catch last night?
She told me her last name, which as you know is my #1 turn-off.
I HAVE PIZZA MONEY AT ALL TIMES IT'S CALL EMERGENCY PLANNING
It's funny when you can't take a fishing boat because you fucked the captains wife
You have cats and a ten year IUD. Embrace it.
He started me on Celexa. I think I feel like Bjork. Is that normal?
Like... my feet feel like little octopuses, and they want to swim to the next room.
You might see me up a tree with a deranged look in my eye , just walk away at that point
Randomize
