need another drink. this is the easiest way
Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
It's sad how good I am at giving people diseases
Just watered mom's plants with leftover mixed drinks full of Bacardi Silver. I'm such a good daughter.
This just spotted: a bagpiping Elmo on the street.
This is my first time seeing you since your lesbian experience. SO EXCITED!
nothing like smoking out of your roommate's bong with your mom to celebrate the rising of christ
he is risen halelujah
I've heard awesome things about their margaritas. I also may buy a mustache from party city. Would you do me with a mustache on??! Hahahaha. But, really.
Love you too. There are very few people I let pee in my dishwasher.
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
I don't want to jinx anything but I may have found the one.
Cat or human?
Human
A thong just fell out of my purse in front of my whole class maybe I should stop using this morning class as my walk of shame
i swear every fucking time i plan a party, one of our "friends" holds their shit in all week just to punch one off into the master bathroom after i pass out. it's almost like that dump you would see in a port a potty.
I felt like a slutty ass cruella devil driving your old car, And I got in a fight with your wipers
Randomize
