my soul wont recognize me after tonight
you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
All was going smooth until he pulled a condom out of his collection he kept in a Cheesy Gordita Crunch Box from Taco Bell.
I didn't think I could chip a tooth while giving a blowjob until I met him.
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
This is the first time since last march I'm gonna be going to a class for more reasons than wanting to bone the girl sitting next to me.
He made me a period mix..should I back out now?
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
Get this. Chipped my front tooth taking a sip of a gay mans beer out of my cleavage. Fuck my fucking life. that'll be fun to explain to my dentist
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
So doing the math I dated almost 2 of me in penises. Like, if I you layed them out lengthwise it would be 2 times my height.
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
It was a good dick. I give credit where credit is due. A good dick deserves praise.
I wish I had a tail.
Why?
...why not?
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