It's just you. You wear the fuck me fedora and wear baller shorts, hollywood hippie who thinks she is shakira when she's drunk.
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
chipotle is closed for thanksgiving... I am officially thankful for NOTHING.
got a scholarship and a hot psych teacher. hello spring 2010
Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
When did it become normal to wake up in the middle of the night to take a group bathroom break and have a 10 minute discussion on where the next football game is?
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
I threw up in a flower pot outside the bar last night and have a date tonight....I think I missed something
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
He put his number in my phone as Steve handsome
I havent moved from the couch and I'm licking peanut butter from a spoon, I'm a beautiful person.
He was a Cher impersonator. They are the draggest of queens
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