Hey man sorry I got all grabby
Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
this is random but who was banging in the shower in our condo?
First of all, I don't like eggnog. Second of all too much rum is all bad. And thirdly I'm not there to sit in your lap and pretend you are Santa and I've been a bad girl.
I wish there were birth control emojis
I think I just ate eggs off of a plate covered in cocaine.
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
I now have a full length bright red cape in my possession. Best sex trophy ever.
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
watched my neighbor eat five yodels, mow his lawn, and then cry on his porch after the party... what did you give him?
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
Does your body have a liquid mass index? does that make sense? I think I drank it in Long islands.. Kill me now..
Step one: We finally agreed on an au pair that we both wanna fuck.
Randomize
