I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
Beer is about to convince me to do something really stupid.
It's like you don't even want to get drunk with me everyday, anymore.
I swear it started with good intentions but then my slutty side took over and we started playing strip checkers
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
You were definitely doing something right. You could only see the colored parts of his eyes a couple of times. I was pretty sure he was dead at some point.
Every single item that was in my fridge is now in my hot tub. Please help
I just pictured ballsacks being shoveled into the furnace of the Titanic.
Well she started to strip and when she slung her hair at me, she painted my face with sweat. A LOT OF SWEAT. It was a weird boner.
im drinking out of a pineapple, so yea.
Just stole my moms weed, left a note saying sorry.. Hope she isn't mad.
She was riding a razor scooter down the street wearing nothing but a feather boa it was beautiful.
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
Randomize
