found out this morning via facebook that the guy i met last night has a wife and a baby and he took me to his apartment where he takes girls to cheat on his wife
i mean you met him at the daytona 500
You found Muppets From Space a little too intense, so you just sorta sat on the ground and stared at the wall plug for an hour and a half.
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
no one could get around him on the stairs cause he surrounded himself with all the empties he could find, he said he was building a fort. then he passed out on them.
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
She was wasted talking to my dad about the hunger games than she passed out in the shower and flooded the hotel room...
I guess I could probably fit that in between deep self reflection and teenage mutant ninja turtles
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
I'm confident that their children would come out as 100% authentic rats
someone cut his neck open pretty bad with a broken beer bottle. We were so close to his house that we carried him home, but when we got there he casually laid on his bed and said he was just gonna sleep it off. WHO DOES THAT
I showed him my toy collection and he goes, "You won't need those anymore," and dropped his pants. I threw the House of Pleasure out last night.
As I was puking, these 2 guys started peeing next to me chanting me on
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
Randomize
