note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
it makes it look bigger when i shave, i hope its not the same for a girl
Definitely Got caught hugging a strangers tree last night with 5 others.
Ok if you are accepting my apology, please continue to ignore me. If you are not, please fill out the brief survey that follows, to help me improve my people relations: a) your a bitch please leave me alone b)your crazy pls leave me alone c) I never cared ab u please leave me alone. D) all of the above e) all of the above but I wouldn't mind still fucking u. F) who are you again? Your answer will not b shared and will b used in accord. With the law. TY
You were carrying around a milk crate, randomly putting it down calling out 'praise be to the milk gods' and making people pray to it.
Hey I came back and we made joints with the breathalyzers the cops left last night.
So hungover. I'm getting too old for trolloping around in disco shorts going shot for shot with well behaved underclassmen in an effort to lure them to the dark side of alcoholism and liver failure.
He offered to buy me free breakfast if I stayed at the hotel overnight with him. I then realized they have a complimentary breakfast.
we need to find a way to be drinking champagne 24/7
Jenn from HR called him the new office boy toy. I think I need to bathe in bleach.
Now all I want to do is stay up, drink wine, and look at dragons.
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
Quick, I need a picture of your dick. Don't ask questions, just show me your genitals.
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
Randomize