dude...I wrote 15 jersey shore quotes on her body. she is going to do the walk of shame with snookie on her forehead.
He couldn't say anything coherently but shot off a perfectly timed "that's what she said" when michelle said he'd have to ride in the trunk because she didn't have enough room up front.
He dumped me and I don't wanna fuck his best friend for revenge. Is this what maturity feels like?
I am only moving my arms so I remember that I can. These brownies are wild.
i think i had a heart attack, prayed, and jizzed my pants.all at once.
There are 3 guys sitting in the elevator in lawn chairs wearing sunglasses and holding beers. the hallway rugs are stuffed in a trash can. i've never been so glad to be sober.
But fine, we can play that game. You can come over and we can have totally platonic, long, boring discussions. Or we can fuck. Whatever.
Someone's having a good night if they're getting gummi bears and Astroglide.
I sat on the toilet and peed through my jeans, then I pissed the bed and blamed him...do you think well have a 2nd date?
Wanna play whack-a-mole in my pants?
Your word choices worry me.
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
No more chicken and waffles served by drag queens at 2 AM. :(
I think I need to see a chiropractor after giving that blow job
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
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