You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
Oh my god he is having a sentimental moment right now.
He just sent me like a really heartfelt confession of love in which he ended with "make the apt, I'll hold your hand while you get your clit pierced."
Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
I feel like I'm one of those people who someone looks at and thinks "how did she get into this college"
It is 8 o'clock in the morning and there is already blood all over one of the stalls in the bathroom. What has your St. Patrick's day done for you?
through my window right now you can see the hot chick next door is standing BUTT ASS NAKED eating peanut butter off a knife.
ill be there in 5.
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
I've come to the conclusion that the dicks in Arizona just don't have enough size for me.
Nursing home in NJ just got busted for prostitution and drugs...dropping off my deposit tomorrow
If I had an Australian accent I'd be unstoppable. Teach me how you talk
I know it sounds cheesy, but i think both me and her mum know they are "thanks for being so cool about finding nudes of your daughter on the camera" flowers
i think i just naturally attract stoners
It started with drunk jenga and ended with me simultaneously peeing and puking on his feet in the tub while he held me up. I met Tequila. I don't like her.
I managed to convince her that the egg yolks were actually orange juice and she fell for it
Randomize
