Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
no, no, no. omg. i said i wanted a SANDWICH! not a picture of your dick. damn cant you read? SANDWICH! now im blinded. great job.
She even gives head with a lisp.
I miss eating meals at a table and having unprotected sex..
Like her Facebook page isn't even hers. It belongs to her tits. It's Titsbook
Ultimate Fighter Idea. You and I both have unprotected sex with the same girl in the spam of days. Whoever the child belongs to, wins and that child is the ultimate ultimate fighter.
How high are you?
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
the only thing she has in her apt so far is toilet paper and shot glasses. you can see where the priorities lie.
Make sure you wash your hands. That seagull you threw was very sick.
You know, you could always move. Lol somewhere without gators, water moccasins, and Marco Rubio.
I attempted to walk home at 5:30 this morning cuz i was mad at him cuz he didn't want to cuddle and didn't have pizza. I got 3 houses down n fell over.
I can’t tonight. I’ve got to see about a penis
I got subtly pornographic with a lollipop while we were talking and he got flustered and started to blush. If he’s not interested after that I need to turn in my vagina card.
Randomize
