I'm sorry I'm just not ready to become vampire yet
i feel like a lion cub that has been breast fed for years, and mom has left, and now i have to learn how to hunt on my own
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
I was so high last night that i'm 89% sure my roommates set up an obstacle course for me and timed it. Not positive.. I think one of the challenges was pairing shoes
Only you could manage to look like a complete slut while wearing a turtle neck.
There was an audience eating triscuts and bananas in the bathroom while watching him puke. It was a good birthday.
I AM OVULATING LIKE A STEAM ENGINE.
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
I'm doing it for my vagina. You should understand that
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
when I said energy drinks I meant cocaine
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
Alvin just won tickets on the radio. I guess he's out of jail.
you've already made the comitment to pee in public you should at least whip your dick out
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