who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
im having a threesome with these popsicles
good news. according to wikipedia, my blackout might just have been "post-trauma amnesia"
He still hasn't made a move, so I slept with his brother last weekend. Maybe sibling rivalry will motivate........
The fire breather is here so I may get my second wind.
I found my underwear on the sidewalk 8 blocks from her house while on my walk of shame. I also found our beer bag and a full beer in the bush.
I told him I had AIDS after he bit me. His dad cried. I think I just ruined the little guy's 3rd birthday, but he had in coming.
Using a 12 year old as a wingman. Does that make me a bad person?
I gave you a piece of bread to sober you up. You wiped your face off with it and then gave it back to me.
His dick is hereby named Charles Dickens. Will's is less cerebral. I'd like to call it Pinnacle like the vodka we drank when we hooked up, but I feel like that's a compliment it doesn't deserve.
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
dude, i just accidentally flashed your mom. BIG TIME.
If it snows I'm making an igloo and getting wasted in it
You set fire to his cat.
In my defense, I did not think it would be in the trash bag.
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
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