Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.
this one can actually spell my name, that's a shoe-in
you refused to leave the drive-thru at mcdonalds until the cashier took a jello shot
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
I'll come out for a little. I can't be visibly hungover at work again or I get written up and fired. And yes, I am aware of how alcoholic that sounds.
Me focusing on not shitting my pants is keeping me awake.
sending him nudies in gran's hospital bathroom. you?
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
I just watched videos of people getting puppies and crying, I cried too. Definitely still drunk
WTF DOES CAROLINE HAVE GLASS IN HER FACE
You kissed my hand and then put a Taco in it. Why WOUDNT I leave my husband?
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
Why are we so out going and care free I can't wait for maturity to kick in so we stop having 700 dollar bar tabs
dude. I can hear the air.
Randomize
