did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
Raging hang over. 6AM finish. Shat on a bag of trash in an alley. D L that last bit.
I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
Wow i just got reported to security for being a homeless person trying to break into the library.
its not like she's the last girl on the planet with symmetrical breasts and great skin
Tell him I thought his Superman stand on your bed and cum all over your back was quite funny
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
He always takes me to get taco bell after we hook up in his car. It's sort of become a booty call tradition.
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
I should come with a warning like "do not feed me tequila or cocaine, I will ruin the party and cry"
I think we ended 5-7 relationships as well this weekend...so another good stat
I HAD TO PAY A COVER FOR THE FIRST TIME LAST NIGHT. My tits didn't get me in and I was so pissed.
Dude, I got drunk and sexted his little sister by accident
dude wtf why are there forks in my wall
does "I AM MAGNETOOOO" ring any bells, because that was you for an entire hour last night
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
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