i'll give you all the meat in my fridge in exchange for 2 condoms.
it was 5AM and you were field goal kicking solo cups into the sink
I went to his work to give him some blankets and ended up blowing him in the bathroom. See what happens when you don't come over?
VODKA 4LOKO BEER NOT IN THE CLEAR
Three things I need a picture of: your friend, your bong, and your dick.
Why can't I live in a world where my only 2 options are rum bikini hot tub party or masturbating?
I just came inside of a Gatorade bottle. That hungover.
Buying the inflatable beer pong table for the pool was one of the best investments I've ever made
So apparently there is enough alcohol to get me to agree to going to a strip club, but when I have enough they don't let me in.
I wish I knew the extent of my injuries before I climbed over the fence. Might have avoided the need to purchase a cupholder for my wheelchair.
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
I sharted in my christmas pjs :(
My roommate just woke up to me masturbating in our room. I figured this would happen eventually.
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now she’s a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. “High maintenance hot” doesn’t even begin to explain it
But dear lord is it worth it
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