worst experience of my life. her nipples were sick. kinda like a venn diagram
beer pong: waldo and ernie vs. bacon and eggs... i love halloween
its always fun the next morning to look around the room and see where all the clothing landed.
I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
it was like a zeppelin in a condom
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
everyone thought he was too sick to make it, but he showed up. Ten minutes in and he's doing vodka shots with nyquil chasers
trading diseases for a hangover? that's either a really good decision or a really, really bad one. we'll find out if he wakes up tomorrow
I fingered myself to realization that I don't need birth control if there is never a guy.
I am about to embark upon a south Boston wedding....
Hydrate.
Am I getting cock blocked by karaoke? That's a first.
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
The clothing optional portion of the night began around midnight. Then we did disgusting things to each other. It was beautiful.
I got the security footage. Thank you boobies!
honestly i've never been more attracted to you than when you threw up on my floor
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