I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
Too late, the blunt's already in my cleavage
we walked in to her beating him with a broom while he was trying to sweep ramen into a box. there were packing peanuts everywhere.
Dude its 315 and I'm sitting here eating slices of cheese. Don't talk to me about tomorrow.
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
My patience ran out after you started clapping at the strippers everytime they took off a piece of clothing.
she fucked me tho cuz it was her cat's birthday. As soon as we were done she just says "ahhh tequila tuesdays"
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
I'm 25 and she is 19. She wants to practice blowjobs on me because of my stamina. Not only does the GI bill pay for me to go to school I am teaching a freshman blowjob course. I love Texas.
You were a path of destruction, you started with eating half the cake, proceeded by throwing the rest in the sink and dumping water all over it while laughing... then throwing the drunk helmet across the room yelling that you didnt want to wear it... i'd say it was a successful birthday.
My way of showing team usa support, bronze: handy silver: bj gold: home run. God, I'm patriotic
She showed up in lingerie and a turtle backpack full of bacardi. I think its love.
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
Randomize
