I got wasted for the 1st time and I sat in a fridge for 2 hours and a trash can?
You have problems? I'm 20 years old and i'm balding
just upgraded from jello shots to jello bowls blacking out just got that much more delicious
Peter invited his little brother to smoke with us and he is trying so hard to pretend he's done it before. When he saw the weed he was like "hell yeah!" and everyone got completely silent and just looked at him
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
Well I just walked into a wedding reception and im currently eating a cannoli in the men's room while pissing
I like you as a friend, but I'm in love with your dick.
She looked up at the menu and yelled this is my absolute favorite literacy
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
DELETE THAT VIDEO OF ME MAKING OUT WITH THAT RUG NOW
Eating breakfast at 1:30 in the afternoon stark naked is how everyone should live
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
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