She might as well just lie down with one of those red "Easy Buttons" next to her
note to self..putting cheap vodka in a bottle of grey goose does not make it taste better
I just pulled the condom that i lost on tues out of me at work ewwww!
I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
Using the ceiling fan to slice the hotdogs in mid-air can only be contributed to our liberal use of 1800.
I just remembered our "im drunk enough to look at your vagina" conversation. Is that offer still valid? I really think I need a second opinion
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
At what point lastnight did a lens fall out of my glasses and nobody tell me?
I didn't know where we were going to start fucking, so I just strategically hid condoms all over the house before he came over.
What do I do when my mom and I both awkwardly spot the Rocky Horror parody porn sitting on the coffee table? Leave it or try to move it?
Neither a grow-er nor a show-er. More like a no-er. If he didn't have testicles, I'm not sure you could tell he was a male, even standing there naked. There will be no second date.
You okay? Last night you climbed through my window and demanded I take shots with you and when I refused you took a piss in my front yard.
that's your fault. you refused to take shots with me.
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
I'm gonna tell the medical examiner that your cause of death was over-arousal.
I'm still mad from all the stupid shit he's done this week that even though I couldn't give two shits about Vday, I'm gonna throw an epic tantrum if he doesn't morph in to Nickolas Sparks for a day
Randomize
