So I just almost came on my own face I had to dodge it as it was flying by...that was a first
she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
Fyi mom and I voted and you're the DD tonight, congratulations
you only had a canadian ten, but you said it was all good cuz you would just by molson.
now that you've tased me I refuse to buy you flowers
if you just come over, i will entertain you
arguing about the color of your bong does not count as entertainment
Besides. I seriously had a dream that George W Bush came over and slapped some tabs down on my kitchen counter and said "let's get juiced.". It was a sign to not get too fucked up
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
I'm assuming the reason my elbow is so sore has something to do with all the broken shot glasses eh?
Yep
You chugged 6 beers in a row and then outed your boss at a party last night.
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
I got a blow torch for Christmas. You are now permitted to be afraid.
Like actually I will be single and sad and lonely for ever. Cheese will be my life partner. Robot sex is my future.
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
It's Friday you fucking nerd of course I'm drunk.
Randomize
