I got raped by $2 you call it's. I'm still hammered. And mentoring high school kids. My life is a joke.
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
im still going. this is my new reality. also. dont take glowsticks in the bath. they explode. actually. do. it. its beautiful.
i dont think thats healthy man...
I'm drinking wine alone, eating leftovers, and cleaning my sex toys. For the love of god, do not graduate.
Like wrapping my dick in silk, wrapping that in velvet, and putting it in a cloud. A warm, tight, wet cloud.
Mostly because I hate my job and a have a photogenic penis.
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
You danced?!
I just jiggle to the beat like a sexy lava lamp
With great boredom comes great irresponsibility.
Please tell me you're not on their roof again..
I'm good. But Nutella doesn't taste as good as it used to.
This girl in my class is lecturing my professor about zombies. It has been going on for 15 minutes.
Zombies?
Zombies.
I made her pull the car over 5 times to puke because she was going to fast, apparently she was only going 30mph...
can you take a pic of your glorious tits but not send it just yet? I need motivation to finish this bull shit presentation.
So I love answering sex questions in intimate relationships class on a clicker when im sitting next to my cousin..
Randomize
