as for my dating sex life, no more regret sticks. Only pride wands from now on.
and this is why I hate my dad. He got 25x more angry with me when I wanted to drive a different route then he suggested to get to his house (more scenic- thus more enjoyable) then he did when I told him I was driving drunk with 4 people in the car and I got my 5th speeding ticket last night.
its like the voldemort of pregnancies, we don't talk about it
i was just singing like a virgin out loud my mom told me to stop kidding myself
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
She looks like if Peter Griffin was a lesbian.
Run away.
I found him with a guitar and his kitten in his room. He was singing a song he'd titled "you're a cat". Guess what most of the lyrics were...
I think he's hit rock bottom. You know it's a low point in life when you cry because you weren't invited to sit in a box car and watch porn with two other straight dudes.
I have so many plans for this weekend and sobriety is not invited.
The last thing I remember is him yelling from across the room "WE FINISHED THE HANDLE!"
It was 11pm.
You can't just say you're dying of terminal cancer everytime they try to card you
Im including "no monologues past 1am" in the list of apartment rules. Theatre majors dude.
Drunk is not a location!
went out to hit golf balls, ended up doing splits at the bar. you're a bad influence.
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
Randomize
