I accidentally had phone sex last night
dinner with the girl I motorboated last semester wasn't as awkward as I thought it would be
I'm so proud of your ability to turn my Charlie horse last night into anal sex.
he turned two sober chicks into 7 drunken girls...he's my hero
This has been the most pleasant arrest experience I've ever had.
Remember when I said "no boyfriend, no problems"? I lied. Tequila. Tequila is a problem.
Dude, you're only mentioning the Bro Code so I can't get any
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
She's the perfect storm of great hair, big boobs, intellectualism, and mild moral ambiguity.
The hot streak continues..if life was NBA jams i would be "on fire" right now
Turns out I screen transfered my streaming trucker restroom porn vid to the downstairs neighbors'TV instead of my own, damn you chromecast
I just found a piece of dried shredded carrot on my bed
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
Never drinking before a 6am train again. Just threw up at boarder control and had to pretend it was cause I was pregnant and not cause I trashed.
You make Europe seem so glamorous.
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
Randomize
