I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
I was giving him a handjob and he commented that he loved my nailpolish....I'm destined to die a fag hag
it's 8 a.m. and there are people having sex at the foot of the strangers bed i'm in. the guy just asked the girl how she lost her baby weight so fast.
He smashed a plastic chair leg on a tree stump, threw himself into the side of our metal enclosure, stomped on the wreckage for a bit and then punched the fire.
NO I WOULD NOT GET A GUMMER FROM A GRANDMOTHER
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
You had a hat of bras. Probably a good dozen, which is totally impressive for a Thirsty Thursday
note: just because the casino is called bourbon street, it doesn't mean you can puke and keep walking and no one will care. chalk me up for another 86
Sexy intern needs to have caveman sex with me
Pretty sure I got pink eye from the strip club. There is also still beer cans rattling around in my shower.
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
I came home and drank a bottle of wine in the bathtub. I have AMAZING coping skills!!
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