I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
I'm still drunk from last night...I walked out for a cigarette with one of the Janitors here and apparently someone took a shit on the stairs...Which makes me wonder...was that me?
The mass text at 3:12AM offering "free scrotum tastings" will have repercussions
At what point in your drunken state would you actually believe that the cops wanted to party with you?
After he came all he could say was how great the lighting fixtures where in my apartment.
Or stump rather since he's possibly large. Large penises don't have tips, just blunt ends of battering rams.
The bong is packed and it's taco Tuesday come over
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
I basically gave Miranda rights to the guy I hooked up with, jus so we were all clear what was happening
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
Wanna bang and Pregame work? I know you're the manager just promise to not fire me
IM HAMMERED AND JUST HAD CHEESECAKE THAT MADE ME FEEL LIKE NO MAN HAS EVER MADE BE FEEL BEFORE.
my night went from a boring school play to hotboxing a car with 3 criminals
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