Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
The twins are whispering in turkish together. I think I did something bad last night.
Look, we all have our slutty phases. Mine is just forever.
Bro, he broke his neck diving into a kiddy pool.
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
Bad Decision October is in full swing. I was telling people that "I put on eye makeup today, I'm takin' a dude home with me!".
But that background check said 51...Omg. If I hooked up with someone that's my dads age.....
It's not even 11, i dropped a shot glass, nick is bleeding, and everyone is drunk
why are there 3 differently sized panties on our kitchen counter?
What could go wrong? i could have a mental breakdown with a bottle of champagne hand cuffed to a frat bro
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
after the ketamine those signs on the bathroom door had little meaning to us
I was drunk in the shower and i decided to shave. Im now bleeding to death
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
Randomize
