Fun fact: he pulled out my nuva ring while he was fingering me.. he looked really confused at me and it a couple of times, so i just said "surprise! not only is it good for pleasure, it's also really handy for storing plastic toys." I'm thinking he's definately gonna call.
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
The bouncer asked you what your sign was and u replied "syracuse"
all I heard when I woke up this morning was "BONG HITS FOR BREAKFAST" being yelled repeatedly.
I'm deleting all the photos of dicks off my phone. This relationship could be serious
He's like my sex unicorn. Elusive and majestic. I'll catch him, I'm baiting with patron.
Does hooking up with the gay pledge count as hazing?
how many times have i told you.. they dont like when you laugh during sex
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
Don't know how your birthday has been, but mine has involved Hershey's syrup and a blowie. It's safe to say you're playing catch up.
You can't honestly expect me to maintain an erection when you have the Glen Beck show on
Im not sure if the cops that just came are strippers or actually cops
If you sleep with him I will stab you int the uterus with a pitchfork.
Prepare the pitchfork.
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
Word. I want it involving like... sing-a-longs and sniffing glue.
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