he breathalyzed me before we had sex.
That's so unfortunate for him bc you can always find another penis, but he's stuck with it
Can you fuck me on the kitchen counter at some point? I'll lysol it after
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
I've got 2 dollars. How do I turn this into alcohol?
Why the hell did you invite him? He's gonna bring two more inches of dick and zero fun.
If you can find a Canadian Lesbian to have pity sex with me, let me know.
Who the fuck superglued glowsticks to my arm.
C'mon pople!!! THursday afternoon isnot gonna drinkin itself!!!
My TA is here with a sombrero and an entire bottle of Svedka. Skip jury duty.
I walked into the living room this morning and he was there with 3 shots in a row. He said it was "tea time."
was his pinky out?
I woke up with gum stuck to my nipple piercings this morning.. So there's that.
I just did the math technically I'll be drunk until 2:30-3:00pm
I just want you to make me second guess my worth as a human. Is that too much to ask?
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
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