Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
Just woke up and stopped at the WaWa in Virginia. Had major morning wood and didn't try to hide it when walking around. So many awkward stares.
just heard some guy walking down the street say "butt sex in the sun"
go get him tiger.
oh ps. last night you kept telling me to calm down because everything was fine cause you were getting "arab money"...
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
you can feel better about your life now. i slept with a guy who has gold teeth
is it cool if i crash at ur house this weekend again bro
yea dude but i wld bring a sleeping bag or something just in case. or u may just have to shack up with a woman or 2 cuz we hav 10 girls visiting/staying over at my house.
how did u manage to make sleeping with a bunch of girls sound like an inconvenience?
You know what, don't say anything. You all made fun on me for saying I would fuck him junior year when he taught us algebra and six years later, HERE I AM.
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
I don't know what she looks like but I'm pretty sure she has a pussy.
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
We're on our way. We couldn't find our clothes this morning, so we're driving your car half naked. You owe me a cigarette.
So, my first week in Saskatchewan ended with me drinking moonshine and getting eaten out in a tractor. I already love it here!
Randomize
