It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
They should really pass out barf bags in church
absolutely not. he will always be that kid that threw up a ham and cheese sandwich in fourth grade to me.
totally watching dr. phil and getting eaten out right now. be jealous.
I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
Dude, somewhere around here makes 4loko slushies. I just decided coming home isn't so bad.
Lesson learned. Whipped cream will eat through a condom.
I was standing when I hit it. I barely made it to the couch before the walls started turning into people.
Peanut butter fills the cracks of my heart
I have a to do list for the summer and thing one is figuring out my sexual orientation
Her weave came out on the dance floor. She was twerking and shaking one minute and her hair flew across the dance floor the next. Great way to be introduced to the family
Told my fifteen year old cousin's friend what to sext his girlfriend last night. He was scarred for life but she fucking loved it.
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
That married penis I’ve been riding offered to pay off my student loans. I was going to break it off because he has lousy stamina. Is being debt free worth putting up with mediocre sex?
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