Do you think if I drink bleach they will let me leave work?
We should probably avoid doing this again, but hey it was a nice one time thing to tell the grandkids about... Hopefully they don't end up being YOUR grandkids.
In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.
No i'm not calming down the girl at white castle did not need to see the picture of my dick on your phone.
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
I'll probably just lay on my couch bra-less sipping wine out of a straw so I don't have to lift my head.
Meghan got a job at the bar. We're now morally obligated to drink. Is this what dreams are made of?
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!
She dresses like Bruce Banner and fucks like the Hulk. She is all of my lesbian fantasies come true.
See if shell let you call her dr banner in bed
She mentions her boyfriend one more time, I'm taking her home and breaking that shit up.
I got asked to "be the filling in a man sandwich." You don't get to pick the club again. EVER.
If you're with any of them tell them i apologize for (insert whatever i did here)
I ate at the cafeteria for the first time yesterday and today I think I had an hour long fart.
Randomize