Rylan was made in your driveway. Just thought, as godfather, you should know.
maddie and i have invented a community puke bowl. explanation later
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
Apparently you can talk a girl into leaving the bar and coming back to your tent, who knew?
So the stripper who poured a beer on my head also gives great head. Even she doesn't know why she went home with me. No more mystery shot challenges.
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
Would it be a good deed to leave a 32 pack of bud light next to a bum sleeping in the park?
The drunk fake out is her specialty. She'll agree to come with us and two seconds later we check to make sure she's still there and we see her booking it down the hall in the opposite direction.
I fell into his fridge. I want to leave.
I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.
I haven't been that free with the boobs since I was 19. I'm putting them away for a while.
If you insist
The one guy literally flopped my boob out. Yes I insist.
It was the needle in the haystack of teary, unpleasant handjobs.
I mean go ahead and let your freak flag fly but if you could not fly it in my bed that would be great
I love my cat. she doesnt judge when i stumble in my house drunk and pass out on my floor. my dog looks at me disappointed.
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
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