is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
I want to dip my vagina in sugar. Not only will it be sweet, but it will have a nice sparkle.
i love that we sang a whole new world together while you carried me through campus
I said i love rain, just to change the subject, and he said 'id like to do it in the rain'. Dear lord. He doesnt stop
how did i get to the car and why are my shoes broken
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
The only reason we got away with streaking last time was cuz we had those miner hats
Guess who left Professor Cunt on their paper by accident?
I definitely paid for a case and a fifth and all I got was 6 beers and a crown and coke. Wtf. Bar math sucks
nothing worse than walking out of class after 3 hours and having covered exactly zero information
walking out with herpes. that would be worse
It's official, I need to start putting my vagina's needs before my own.
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
he was really really nice, and I did coke off of his dong that night too
I'm sitting in the car vaping at an elementary school to try and deal with the stress of existing. About how i thought being 30 would go for me tbh
Randomize
