I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
Suck a a big bag of reindeer cock bud. Sent from church. See you in hell
I'm sitting in class drinking a forty out of a paper bag. No ones said anything yet. I think my professor is trying to ignore me. Better start yelling louder.
Its what happens when I drink whiskey in a sweater. It makes me feel mature and ponderful.
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
We attempted to microwave fifteen corndogs in the microwave and may have ruined it. Also there were fake mustaches on all of his appliances...he said he doesn't like drunk me.
Im going to be coked out with hello kitty fire arms. Valentines day can suck my dick
I'm 99.9% sure the people upstairs are using walki-talkies to talk to each other across the room. Too high for this shit
I was gonna start crying but as he was asking me for my info i saw him eyeing my rack. So I sorta started pushing them together. He asked me to get out of the car he made me turn around so he could check me out and then he said and I quote "okay ma'am. Everything is fine, I'm going to let you off with a warning. Next time if you're not wearing yoga pants you might not be as lucky" I am blessed.
I want to bone him until his eyes fall out
Doing the walk of shame from the back of a Jeep to the porta potty it's parked next to while your dad watches is not what you want.
I'm literally naked with a whole pizza in my lap sitting in my chair.
I walked in describing her boobs thinking I was talking to you only to hear dad say 'I remember when your moms were like that'. ALWAYS tell me when they get home early. Always
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
One lesson I've learned so far from college: You've always got time for one more shot. Always
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