Pretty sure somebody just said 'I used to have a nipple'
that's awkward
I think the world might be a better place if everyone was capable of having open relationships.
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
will barter weed for kareoke machine...
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
When he was fat he reminded me of my high school best friend and I just wanted to hug him and hug him. Also, he's funny and humor is the fastest way into my pants after Doctor Who and liquor.
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
Sounds like either a very good Friday night or a very bad Saturday morning.
It feels like I was drinking gasoline last night.
I think "we've never met sober" is a great relationship to have with someone
His mom wants to come see the dorm.
Hide the whip.
Randomize
