What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
New rule: no balls on the kitchen counter.
I need to buy a mesh tank top to fit in in Florida. Where do they even sell that shit?
Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
Thats my favorite, when ex girlfriends become XL ex girlfriends
maybe you should start leaving anonymous bottles of booze on his doorstep with love notes attatched. that always gets me.
he had to chose between the booze and condoms
what did he choose?
the booze, then looked at me and said, plan b is free right?
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
did i paint my nails blue or do i need to make a trip to the ER?
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
I just remember being in the bathroom alone cussing out the bunny
There is a dude in a thong with a Nerf axe having battles in the street. Welcome to Portland
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
you asked me how to turn on the ladder
Randomize
