Annihilated within 20 minutes of arriving on Saturday, proceeded to hook up with him half a dozen times/almost have sex in the shed. Later on I text his boyfriend letting him know he's okay and that he's asleep next to me. If I could parlay this skill into a vital component of national security I'd be the Jack Bauer of homewrecking. Diner later?
We had to use the stains on Phil's shirt to try to piece together what happened last night.
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
Were taking his cast off tonite. Need a saw and a gameplan. Meet us at rosies in 30.
Bathrooms are cool, I think Im just gonna hang out here for a bit.
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
Oh, and also, a couple of straight girls showed up. But they ran away.
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
You may want to re-read your sent texts from last night. You were texting me about your "fire shits" spelled 6 different ways between 3 and 5:30 AM.
Also I played a weird game of chicken in the ladies room at work between myself the person pooping 2 stalls over and a very determined maintenance man.
"I made out with someone too, but then he tried to fuck and I played dead"
It can't be Friday yet, in still getting friend requests of people I don't remember from last weekend
I think all the guys I've fucked in my life would get along perfectly. They'd probably form an orchestra and travel the fucking world. That gives me the slightest feeling of consistency in life which is great.
My husband gave me a key to his house. I thinks this means we're getting kinda serious.
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
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