Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
I bought the love spell lotion from victoria secret so it atleast smells like a girl is present while I'm masturbating
You should have seen her outfit yesterday. It was like pretty woman before Richard Gere gave her money to buy a new outfit.
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
you were mass sexting so we took your phone away
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
I'm drunk in your building find me and we can have sex.
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
Pizza and koolaid didn't even make me feel better. This hangover means business
I couldn't fall back asleep it was too bright so I just took my sports bra off and put it over my eyes
Dude. You dropped to your knees and face planted into the rocks. And continued to talk on the phone and laugh. That's where those cuts came from.
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
I never thought I would encounter a situation that was "Too Gay" for me...and yet there I was.
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