He gave his mom his old phone, and I am SO paranoid
Did you send adult things?
Um. Yes would be the understatement of the year
i just compared eating a chick out to "gargling a cheeto"
They're donating plasma together for extra money. Couple of the fucking century.
this is a time for prayers...seriously
let us hold hands and pray.. sweet baby jesus please bring us some sweet sweet man loving this homecoming weekend to aid our lonely vaginas it has been a long couple of weeks amen.
just saw someone in just a bathrobe not even tied shut run to the bathroom with a facefull of cum. Someone had a good night
would you say our friendship is at the "help each other shave animal patterns in each other's pubes" phase?
I wish I could remember her name, I mean we fucked and all, but it woulda been nice to tag her in the instagram pics.
SURVIVAL MODE. WE CAN DO THIS. Celebratory survived-working-christmas-retail sex to follow
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
Fuck you, dude, I'm not sharing my weed anymore if you're going for the Panthers.
Funny story... I got into my car and my porn started playing over my Bluetooth.
Family acid trip. They're welcoming me into the family.
What. The. Fuck.
Family acid trip.
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
Randomize
