Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
when im bored during the day i often think, what do people who dont get high do with their day.. i came to the conlcusion that everyone must be getting high
He was legit dry humping me to the sportscenter theme song, awkward i think SO.
Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
she just totaled her parents new car because there was a bee in the car. So she crashed into a light pole to kill it.
I don't want to smoke with her when she's on adderall. She carved her pumpkin for four hours & didn't say a word.
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
bro, your right, i shouldn't feel embarrassed about taking shots from a penis-shaped ice sculpture
Yeah. Well last night I sold my shoes to a man who I'm pretty sure has a weird foot fetish for $150 cash.
"YOU ALWAYS BEEN A HOE YOU ALWAYS GONE BE A HOE. THAT'S JUST THE WAY IT'S GONE BE." overheard at temple
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
dude...i punched my best friend in the face, broke up with my girlfriend, and shit my pants.......now i don't know which one to take care of first.
Yeah you were fine except for when you peed under the bar
I'm ne vrr drinkjng againnnnnnnn dforeal.
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