I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
Just slept with a female bodybuilder. not cute. but it was like fucking hulk hogan with a twat. Beastly.
im so disgusted with myself. funny thing was i lasted 15 seconds. she benches 325
I'm so eating pot-chocolate cookies while preggers. This kid will be so amazing.
In honor of the internet blackout, I think everyone needs to change their Facebook pictures to ones of them being blacked out.
What part of I'm done do you not understand? Im not going to send you sex photos to prove I've moved on..
I just made an agreement with this milf to shoot her daughters wedding in exchange for blow jobs. Going pro was the best choice I ever made.
My neighbour is taking her hamster for a walk on a leash. Come over now
Have you ever just woke up in the morning and felt pregnant
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
so I was eating out this girl who was wearing my pirate hat In an alley behind the bar last night and some girl walks up and takes a picture. apparently we had a crowd of about 10 and it turned her on so she just didn't tell me
LIKE ALL I WANT TO CURE MY HANGOVER IS PORKROLL AND LIKE 85% OF THIS COUNTRY DOESN'T KNOW WHAT IT IS
So I don't think the seahorse breeding thing is gonna work.
That was random, even for you Mom.
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
Randomize
