i think 'regret' was last night's theme. i could taste it in my mouth and woke up next to it.
my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
I just sent a friend request to someone saying that i was the girl he shared a fifth of jager with last week. Thats something special. He better accept.
Counseling BFF to break up with her BF. We will get that 3-way
She seriously pointed at the couch and asked me if she could "ride the talking giraffe". I'll never serve everclear again.
I'll be listening to "I will always love you" and sobbing uncontrollably all night, care to join?
I mean it was his birthday. How was I supposed to tell him he could not wear a sombrero while we bang.
Hey he's not bad, although he did have a glass eye
Dude! I just figured out I can successfully hide a 4oz flask between my boobs without endangering my cleavage! College: conquered!
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
How are you feeling?
I mean, shattered dignity aside, not bad.
Oh also we fucked while one of the old Rudolph movies was playing on tv so it was festive
I just saw a guy walking up the stairs with his dick out his pants. I let him know, and he just looked down in shock, laughed, and continued walking up the stairs.
you said, "I wonder what your mum is doing right now." in the middle of sex, of course I threw up on you.
Randomize