Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
You realize it's finals week?
Ya that's the school's fault. St. Patrick's day came first.
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
They refer to his house as "the abortion clinic". Cant wait.
I have no idea what to do about this. He has a power over me and I think its called his tongue.
He only had napkins in the bathroom... no toilet paper. If I fuck him, am I settling?
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
I've got a permanent seat at the "Girls who eat their feelings" table this weekend.
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
You slid down the wall and got into the fetal position. He was definitely judging... I was judging....
WHY AM I CRAWLING IN OLDER MEN HOLY JESUS
i don't know if this is a cannibal joke or a sexual innuendo, and i think that's a beautiful description of our relationship.
It's only considered alcoholism if you're drinking from something other than a cup....right?
MANIFESTATION IS REAL AND IM GETTING LAID TONIGHT
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