i think my mom watched the whole time
He was so drunk that he tried to backflip off a baby chair.. How do you think that ended?
And my fence, why is part of it on the roof?
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
I got to find out the airplane alcohol limit, and somehow I made it through the flight.
I dont even remember coming home... All my stuff is strewn randomly around my apartment... And I woke up at 5 sitting propped up in my bed with just my arm in a shirt
Can we talk about the fact that I plucked weed off your ass this morning like it's a normal thing to do?
The US State Dept doesn't need to know I'm a high strung drunken whore.
Boob shaped ice luge is ordered for my bday. Boom
I can't even drink.
The liquor comes out the nipples. Out. The. Nipples.
Are you considering all the consequences of doing your boss or are you just rationalizing with your vagina?
I've never had someone have to dis-arm themselves before I sucked their dick prior to that
I feel like I got run over by a steamroller made of cigarettes and booze driven by all of the men I've slept with.
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
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