just walked out of chelsea's house and saw cameron slapping his dick against her car. cant even make this shit up if i tried.
Made out with me girlfriend while she was peeing. all time high, or all time low?
hey quick question, what would you consider to be a "first date" porn?
I think it's a friendship ring and the other part is on his cats collar
Oh my gosh they are following me around the bar
Blow your rape whistle
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
She just admitted to me that she was a pinecone.
I owe you a thank you for last night. Only you could go up to a guy, ask if he likes my boobs, and return later to find us in a full on dance floor makeout sesh. Well played.
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
Would seriously like to slash his tires but then I feel like I'd have to deal with him longer.
National champion athletes like gay butt sex, too. I'm just here to help them out.
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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