The Ukrainian kid just told me that our econ professor wants to bone me. Please tell me that phrase means something different in Eastern Europe.
I am only moving my arms so I remember that I can. These brownies are wild.
pouring popcorn down my shirt before we went to the bar was the best idea ever. it was delicious and convenient.
Tell him I'm the girl who was excited he spoke English. Then ask him where he picked me up from.
There was a gay guy in drag passed out against the wall but we had sex in there anyway.
The best part about passing out on the floor was the fact that when I pissed myself, I didn't piss the bed again.
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
I'll get you through man, I'll be your fairy godmother with better prescription drugs
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
I swear man, you fly across the country to give a boy your virginity and he suddenly thinks you like him
New discovery: your vibrator works on my balls. Technology is wonderful I love the future
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
Banged former boss. Adulthood achievement unlocked.
That makes sense.. A good Bj is a trump card in any argument
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