saw "Pah-jure" lube. Thought of you. Wearing the same clothes to work tomorrow.
I stayed in, ate a pint of Hagen daas and watched a movie about aids. Soooooooo single.
i think my mom watched the whole time
You know you're a nerd when you lose track of how many times you've gotten turned on watching Glee.
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
I left two hundred in singles in your car sorry about the mess
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
She rode an inflatable shark down the stairs. Viva shark week.
trust me. coming from a bonafide dirtbag, this dude is up to shady shit
Got a minor my first day of college from the bike police. I'm gonna like it here
I feel like I should acknowledge that I see you as a human and not a ragdoll sex object
I think the best course of action at this point is to cut his balls off to get him to stop reproducing
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
I just got out of the shower and I feel like I just washed off 10 lbs of bad decisions...
Randomize
