He ate me out and then left in a hurry and shouted "Sorry to dine and dash" as he left my house
I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
In the hospital waiting to be tested for the first uti of the school year....I'm BACK BTICHES.
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
he paid for dinner at the eiffel tower. drinks at a bar on the champs elysees. gave me a motorcycle ride back to his house, got us heineken and then took me to park overlooking paris. where he ate me out on a park bench. still have doubts about the french?
Received a verbal warning at work for "riding in a trash receptacle, violating professionalism & infection control."
It was like the titanic mixed with those sad puppy commercials mixed with jello shots
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
I may, or may not have licked his face in an Applebee's.
Soooo fucked this chick last night! While fucking she started talking into the fan on the side of my bed. Does that count as sex with a robot
I think the exact words were 'I'd lett him to the weirdest shit to me'
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
Just paid my weed guy with a check. I've got this whole adult thing down.
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
Randomize
