My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
yeah i just made her a character on oregon trail and i hope she gets dysentry and dies. that'll show her.
I just called a child with a Yankees jersey a jerkoff. so much for a friendly day @ the ballpark
For the record, a bath beer is far superior to a shower beer...
he found my favorite bra, 3 thongs and a pair of jeans and gave them back. i love move out day.
Just got my cast off. My occupational therapist wants me to self-gratify. My clit is about to have an awesome weekend...
I'll be honest with you, my dick was out at that point in time.
True that.. I am going to ride a gold plated unicorn across a field of cocaine and coach purses when I graduate.
That was beautiful.
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
He fucked me so hard I had an asthma attack. I'm like the sickly poster child for celibacy.
The $10 cab ride turned into a $60 cab ride when you puked down the back of his seat trying to whisper in his ear. He was a trooper though, he came into to wash off in the sink and still tried to get your number.
Between this new vagisil cleaner and these cranberry vitamins, my vagina feels like a new women.
You have the most beautiful penis I've ever seen. I never thought penises were meant to be beautiful, but you proved me wrong
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
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